Coping with my losses….Part II

If you follow my blogs, you already know that I lost my only grandson in 2006. Thankfully, my husband and I had each other to get us through the holidays that year. My husband's birthday was on November 29. Because he was turning 70, I had planned to have a big party for him, but given the loss we were yet not over, we celebrated quietly together. He didn't want a big party..not this year.

On Thanksgiving, 2007, we had another empty chair at the table. My beloved husband went to Heaven on June 7, 2007.  He had successful surgery for esophageal cancer, and passed 8 days later when he went into pulmonary arrest. I felt like I had been sucker punched. I couldn't imagine life without him.  We had just celebrated our 29th wedding anniversary on May 3, 2007, and I was looking for many more years with him. But, that wasn't to be.

Family was very important to him and Thanksgiving and Christmas was a big deal for our family.  This year, though, all I could think was another part of my heart was gone. But, like we decided with Adam, we kept up with the tradition of Thanksgiving and Christmas. We were used to hearing the big voice and his laughter. And he cooked the best Prime Rib every year, which we didn't have the year of his passing. I would never attempt to  to cook one...everyone still talks about his Prime Rib.  

It's been three years now, and I still feel a terrible void without him. I got through Thanksgiving and it was good.  We had family together, lots of food, which he would have enjoyed so much, and just enjoyed the fellowship, but I still felt the terrible pain of his absence. .

Christmas is quickly approaching, and that was his very favorite day of the year. I've never known a man who loved shopping like he did. Sometimes now when I go shopping, I look to toward the Heavens and ask God and him to help me choose the appropriate gifts. He loved the smell of cookies cooking (and ate them as fast as I could make them sometimes). He loved the Christmas tree, and all the gifts around the tree for his special people. He loved the noise as the kids played and impatiently waited until it was time to unwrap the gifts. He loved watching Christmas stories, and listening to the Christmas music.  Sometimes, when we were listening to Christmas carols, I would look over at him, and noticed a tear in his eye.  As much as he loved giving, he never forgot the real meaning of Christmas.

He and Adam had a special bond. They kidded with each other all the time. Once when Adam came to visit us, my husband met him at the door. He said, "Adam, I knew you were coming, I heard your radio blaring when you turned onto our street." Without even thinking about it, Adam came back and said, "That's funny Grandpa, cause I heard your TV when I passed Ms. M's house "(a neighbor 2 doors from us.) My husband stopped in his tracks, got a big grin on his face, and said, "Touche." My husband was very hard of hearing. He had hearing aids but sometimes, he didn't wear them at home, so I suspect Adam did hear our TV. 

My husband had a great sense of humor. Once I whined because I couldn't go with him on a business trip (actually, I got grumpy). When he returned he handed me a gift box. When I opened it, I found a long night shirt. On the front, of it, it read, "Sometimes, I wake up grumpy, but sometimes I just let her sleep."  I still have that night shirt. It's very tattered and worn, but it still makes me smile when I look at it. 

This is how I get through the really rough times...remembering the funny times, and there were many. I miss my gentle giant with the big voice more than I can tell you here. Sometimes, I think I hear that voice of his, and I turn to look, but they are just sweet memories of the man I loved 

I have many friends who have lost their spouse, and some of us reminisce about the sad times, and the good times. Everybody deals with their loss differently I suppose, but the one constant is that we all miss our soul mates. For whatever reason God saw fit to take them reminds me that He has a plan, and He is still in control. God is my companion and best friend, and He knows how to heal a broken heart without taking away the wonderful memories made.

And be sure of this, I am with you, even until the end of the age. Matthew 28:20

Coping with my losses….Part I

Getting ready for the holiday’s has always been an exciting time for me, and I’m trying to reclaim that excitement. You see, I lost three of the most wonderful people in my life in a short period of time, or least it seemed like that to me, so it has been hard to be excited.

My family has lost a whole generation in a four year period, so I’m not in this by myself, but, I believe we all cope differently, and that’s okay.  I cope by writing and remembering the memories that I have.  

On Thanksgiving, 2006, we had one empty chair at the table. I lost my only grandson; my son lost his only son. He was 20 years old, and so very dear to all of us. He died as a result of someone ambushing and shooting him, ultimately causing his death on August 9, 2006.  How I dreaded Thanksgiving and Christmas that year. But, knowing how much he loved both holidays, we made the decision to carry on our tradition of our family gathering. 

That year, I was doing okay getting everything prepared until I started to peel the sweet potatoes for the yams, his favorite. I shed tears with every potato I peeled. I remember the last Thanksgiving he was with us. He came over, and I had just taken them out of the oven. I had to go into another room for something and when I returned, he had a plate full of yams.  I said, “Adam Christopher!!!”  He just smiled his impish smile, and kept eating. Thankfully, I had cooked a lot of them otherwise we may have been minus the yams when we sat down to eat.  Every year now, as I .cook the yams, I don’t cook as many because no one loves them like he did,. But now it makes me smile because I can still visualize him eating that plate of candied yams, and grinning at me when I yelled at him for getting into them before dinner. 

Then it was time to decorate for the Christmas holidays. My heart was not really in it. But again it was a tradition, and we knew he loved Christmas. When the presents went under the tree, he was always like a little boy again…picking up each package to see if his name was on any of them.  He loved getting gifts, but I believe he loved giving more. For a young man, he shopped frugally, but he always shopped for something that fit our personalities and we always loved his gifts. My greatest gift was just having him around.

Many may believe you cannot feel the presence of a loved one, but I could feel his presence with me through the holidays, and still feel his presence, especially when I have one of my “Adam” days, which is still quite often. They are not days now that I cry every time I think of him; if I cried every time I thought of him, it would be every day. 

After his death, my husband and I got up many, many nights and cried together, especially as the holidays approached. My husband wasn’t his biological grandfather, but you would not have known it. He loved my grandchildren as if they were his own, and they called him Grandpa, and that was who he was to them, their grandpa. 

I wasn’t attending church at the time of his death, but I was a Christian and I had to do a lot of praying to do to get through the shock and pain of losing one of the dearest things to my heart.  God was with me then, as he is now. I am so thankful for a loving God who knows and understands our pain, and doesn’t judge us for missing our loved ones. 

Today marked the fourth Thanksgiving that we  have celebrated without our beloved Adam. But, today, the atmosphere was happier and even though we have not forgotten him, nor will we ever, and we didn’t spend all of our time quietly getting through Thanksgiving, we were able to give thanks for the family we have to love, and a time to thank God for the time we had Adam.  We are able to talk about him and all the things he loved. He loved his family, he loved his animals, he loved to hunt and importantly, he loved God. 

I am going to end this with a poem that I wrote one month after he became an angel and in the arms of a gracious God. 

A Granny’s Memories

The time we had with you
   were times that now seem like a precious few.
But those are the times that we hold so dear,
   and we will never forget you for in our hearts you remain so near.
We had twenty years with you to share
   and no one can ever take away how much we care.
We remember when you learned to crawl,
   and we remember you when you became so handsome and tall.
We remember the times when you began to grow and explore,
   always wondering what you would find behind life's next door.
You found your place on God's green earth,
   Loving the land and all of its worth.
We remember that you were always a friend,
   and how our memories of you make us grin.
Your name is Adam, a father, a grandson, brother, nephew, and a special son,
   whom we will cherish until our time on earth is done.


Ann Dobies
September 9, 2006

Is That All There Is?

Peggy Lee recorded a song many years ago entitled "Is That All There Is."  Today my four year old  step-great-grandson made me think of that song and its lyrics. When I gave him his snack, he said, "Is that all there is?" 

The lyrics tell the story of a person who questioned the good and the bad things in life, always asking, "Is that  all there is" to a fire….to the circus…to a lost love, and finally to death."  The last verse  reads like this:

"I know what you must be saying to yourselves.

'If that's the way she feels about it why doesn't she just end it all?'

Oh, no. Not me. I'm in no hurry for that final disappointment.

For I know just as well as I'm standing here talking to you,

when that final moment comes and I'm breathing my last breath,

I'll be saying to myself..."

Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If that's all there is, my friends,

Then let's keep dancing.

Let's break out the booze

And have a ball

If that's all there is.

How sad it is for me to think that in taking one's final breath one would ask 'is that all there is?'  As a Christian, it is hard for me to think of taking a final breath here on earth as a "final disappointment." I prefer thinking of it as the last stepping stone to eternal life in Heaven. 

Anyone who might stumble across this writing, asking yourself as the song does, "is that all there is" in whatever you face in life, and you want to know that it isn't, please seek the promises in God's Word, and his promise to be with us and never leave us.  I have been there, but am so humbled and grateful that I know better now since I have returned to God's fold.

For those who might scoff at this, I cannot apologize, and I leave you with this refrain from an old hymn. 

But I know whom I have believed,

and am persuaded that he is able
to keep that which I've committed
unto him against that day.

                        

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

--
Let God's promises shine on your problems. -- Corrie Ten Boom

A Generation Gone but Not Forgotten

Today is the one month anniversary of my Aunt Doris' journey to Heaven, 10/17/2010.  I have had her on my mind all day, thinking about the last couple of times that she was able to talk to us, to laugh with us, and for us to tell her how much we loved her. 

As I thought about her, I thought about her six siblings that preceded her to Heaven; her youngest brother, in 2007, another brother, and two sisters in 2008, one of which was my mother.  In 2005, she lost another sister, and the oldest passed away many years  ago at the age of 33.

There is another sister who lives in Florida who is 90 years old, and has just been diagnosed with lymphoma and leukemia. The prognosis for her is not good.  The Lord saw fit for my sister, my daughter and me  to visit her in April. She knew us then, but would not now. Everything in his own time.  

As I thought about all of them, I became teary and sad, but, then, all of a sudden, I smiled as I remembered the good times that they shared together. Once or twice a week, maybe more, they were at one or the others house for lunch or supper. All of them loved to go, go anywhere,  and when someone mentioned let's go to Durham, Danville or South Boston, the were in the car before you could finish the sentence.  My mama used to say if you are waiting on me, you're wasting time.  

I remember many times hearing the chatting, and laughing  so hard it became contagious to anyone else in the house that had no clue as to what they were laughing about. The thing that I remember most was that the laughs were hearty laughs, truly  honest-to-goodness belly laughs.   Once they were at one of my aunt's home for supper, and all of a sudden the laughter erupted in the kitchen and there was clatter of the plates, and silverware.  My uncle got up to see what was so funny, and he found all these ladies well over 50 years of age  throwing biscuits at each other.  He just shook his head and went back to his recliner.

They used to cut each others hair. My mother got my Aunt Daisy to cut her's one day, and all of a sudden,  Aunt Daisy started to snicker, then began laughing out loud. By that time, my mother knew that something wasn't right. She said, "Daisy, what have you done!!!?  Give me a mirror."  Finally, mother got a mirror and found that she almost had a high and tight haircut...well, that's a bit of an exaggeration, but a very short haircut, nonetheless.  Aunt Daisy, and finally mother, laughed until they both cried. Aunt Daisy decided that she really didn't need a haircut that day. :)  Luckily, mama had beautiful curly and wavy hair, but she still looked like she stepped right out of a Charleston Chorus Line. 

When the brothers were home with their sisters, the laughing was still there, and the chatter amongst them was sometimes unintelligible over the laughing. 

Yes, it is sad when a generation is gone, but it is a marvelous feeling to have the memories of these siblings, loving life, who truly enjoyed each others company. Sometimes, I actually hear the echos of those laughs, and I hope that they never stop. I am so thankful that God put me in this family of love. The topping on the cake was that they were all Christians, The generation may be gone, but not the memories. 

Have a great day.         LIVE, LOVE, LAUGH.

My Lost Art at Multi-tasking. or is it Adult ADD????

I am a retired older (note I didn't say elderly yet) woman, who is finding out many things are changing in my life.

Take today for example.  I got up at 7:30 a.m., got dressed, and welcomed my 4 year old step- great-grandson at 8:15 a.m.   While I had my cup of coffee, he played quietly with his toys.  As I drank my coffee, I began to think of all the things I needed to do during the day, such as do laundry, get the meat out of the freezer for meatloaf for supper,  feed my bird, etc.

 What I failed to do was to write everything down and depended on my memory to get all this accomplished. My bad.  As I started up the stairs to get my laundry, Julian said, "Granny Ann, I really would like something to eat."  Instead of  telling him, okay, just a minute, I need to get my laundry to the laundry room, I immediately  asked him what he would like to eat. Now this 4 year old is not your typical 4 year old, he is very precise, is  very articulate  and at the end of the day has more sense than I. We went through all the breakfast foods that he might like a couple of times, and he finally decided that a Pop Tart would be sufficient until  lunchtime.  Then the big decision was which one he preferred…the cherry or the cinnamon.   Finally, the cinnamon  won out.  I got him settled at the table and fixed myself another cup of coffee and sat with him as he ate.

 As he was finishing, he asked why I had started up the stairs (I'm so grateful for the curiosity of little ones).  Whether it was selective memory or for real, I had completely forgotten about my laundry. I gave him a hug and thanked him for the reminder.  I then got one of my cardiac workouts  climbing the 14 steps to my room, and back down to the laundry room.   I filled the washing machine  and turned it on. There, that's done.   With the laundry started, I  cleared the table and put the few dishes in the dishwasher.  About that time ,my Cockatiel began screeching….that's why his name is Buzzard, he sounds just like one.  I fed him, and went to check to see what Julian was up to. As long as I can hear him, I don't worry, but the minute he gets quiet you had better check.  To my surprise, he was stretched out on the floor, playing quietly with his cars. 

By that time, it was time for me to take a break…remember I told you I am an older woman.  I sat down for a while and watched The View, though I don't know why I bother. I usually end up talking back to a couple of the ladies on there. Anyway,  I thought about the meat in the freezer that was in the garage, and was about to go and get it, when I realized there was a real downpour going on. It was almost lunchtime .  I asked Julian if he was hungry…don't know why I asked, he is always hungry.   We went through the ritual again of what he wanted to eat. He asked me what I had. I went through a whole list of things, and he said,  "Oh, Granny Ann, I don't like any of those things, how about you just give me ham with cheese rolled up  in the ham,  and please make sure you heat it up."   He ate, and I ran out to the freezer to get the meat for supper (dinner, if you prefer).   By this time, it is Noon, and the meat was as hard as a rock and I needed to put the meatloaf together by at least 3:30 pm. Oh well,  maybe it will thaw or maybe it won't. If it doesn't, sandwiches will be on the menu.  I again cleared the table and piddled around the living room, picking up , took the dogs out, and guess what, it was time for another break. 

After a while, I started back to the kitchen to see if the meat was defrosting.  On my way to the kitchen, I passed the laundry room and  I remembered I had laundry in the washing machine that needed to be put in the dryer. I completed that task, and completely forgot to check on the meat.

It's now 3:15 pm, and time for my other step-grandchildren, 7  and 10 years old to be home from school. Then the fun began.  When they get here, it is immediately homework time.  Casey, the 7 year old, decided he didn't want to do his, and told me he didn't have any. I knew better because the teacher sends a form home every Monday outlining homework for the week. He wasn't a happy camper when I made him put his truck down  and get his homework out. He is mildly autistic, and sometimes, it is hard to get him focused….by this time, I wasn't focused either. All of a sudden, I remembered the meat again, and the lateness of the hour, and I had yet to begin to put the meatloaf together. Thankfully, Carrie, the 10 year old came to my rescue and I gladly rewarded her for her help. Carrie is a dream child. While I put the meatloaf together, she helped her brother stay focused and get his homework done.  After homework, they got their snack, then their playtime.  That was pretty uneventful.

I was pretty proud of myself by this time, the meat was thawed, and I got the meatloaf put together, or so I thought. For whatever reason, I remembered that I had forgotten  an ingredient that is crucial to a good meatloaf (imagine that, I remembered). So out of the baking dish, back into the bowl it went.  Finally, I put it in the oven at 5:20 pm.

My next task was to get the children to pick  up all their toys and put them away, get their shoes on, and get them to settle down until their mother got here to pick them up.  I accomplished all of that except to get them to settle down, or was it I who wasn't settled down.  After all, they were  4 and 7 years old, how could I expect them to act like adults.  So, I let them be kids. As I walked by the laundry room again, I remembered that my clothes were still in the dryer. Feeling very frustrated, I just hoped that I hadn't forgotten to turn it on. Thankfully, I had, and I took them out and got them all folded. 

I checked the meatloaf, it had not burned, the childrens mother came by to pick them up,  they left, and I sat down and enjoyed another cup of coffee.

As I sat there, I thought about years gone past when I knew how to multi-task and now  it seems that I go in circles,  perhaps getting things done, but  not completely in any organized fashion.  Do you reckon, by any stretch of the imagination that it is because I am older, actually old…okay, so I am now known as elderly. 

Well, for as frustrated as I was today, everything got done,  the kids are wonderful, and I love them very much. I just wish I could bottle up some of their energy, thereby  regaining some of my multi-tasking skills.  On the other hand, I wonder if rather than not being able to multi-task I might have had a sudden onset of Adult ADD today.  Whatever it was seemed to be a sudden onset, and I pray it doesn't last.

I guess I'll try anything within reason

I hope I am successful in at least getting started in the blog world. I like to write and put down my thoughts, and this seems to be a good way to start. But, alas, right now, I seem to have stage fright with writer's block.

Don't give up on me. One day something will dictate my getting on here and writing something that at least makes more sense than this.